by Nanette Ashby – marking the three year anniversary of her diagnosis with Fibromyalgia, a chronic pain condition.
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Three years down, forever left to go.
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My body slams into another invisible wall
Try to pick up the pieces of myself
Serving a prison sentence
for daring to taste the fresh air outside
To dream of a normal life
Three years down, forever left to go.
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Pain moved in
made itself at home
in the crevices of my body
slipping through my ribs
Tightly hugging my hips
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They say I am responsible
I must have Invited it in.
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Stubborn sparkles
hidden in darkened bedrooms
so much beauty and potential
Galaxies squeezed into four walls
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So far from our community
Grief keeps us company
tears forged river beds across my cheeks
I keep burning brighter
my skin is burning
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I am trapped in this broken vessel
Unable to move
the weight of a life
I could have lived
crushing me
Gravity has never been more tangible
Kissing me good night
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The moment you wake up
Tantalizing memories of freedom
a brief moment of peace
Nobody move!
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I am only one of a billion
An invisible army
We are everywhere and nowhere
Concealed in the shadows
The bravest people you will never meet.
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We trade in our dignity for answers
So eager to be seen again
to feel like ourselves again
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Prepare for battle!
What is in your arsenal?
Hot water bottles, wet wipes
walking sticks, earplugs
Heat pads, painkillers…
The pain is killing me.
Pay attention soldier!
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“Get well soon!”
The stab takes me by surprise
every time
“But many women live with pain.”
My torso convulses
“It’s nothing to worry about”
My knees buckle
“It can’t be that bad”.
Brace for impact
“All your test results look normal”.
Soldier down.
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Breathing hurts.
Will I make it through today?
What about the next second,
next minute, next hour?
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Will you remember me?
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Lightning bolts of pain
Jolt me back to life
I am never getting better.
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Suddenly at the mercy of the state
balancing on the poverty line
walking on a tightrope
Another day fighting the unknown
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Did you have to beg?
Did you have to crawl
For your right to live?
We did!
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Our stories are worth documenting
Our victories worth mentioning
Our joy worth celebrating
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Many people don’t believe
we are sick
we exist!
Raffia 