By Hanna Eisen
“The word slut segregates women from men, it segregates women from women. It dehumanizes and objectifies us all.”
(Martha Mosse, TEDxTalk “The slut, the spinster and the perfect woman, 2014).
Are you a prude, a good girl, or a slut? It seems like these are the only categories women can fall into regarding their sexuality. While women learn from a young age that they have to act according to societal standards, none of the possible decisions seem to be good enough. One should be flirty, but not too sexy; being a virgin is something to be embarrassed about, but enjoying casual sex is shameful. It seems impossible to walk the fine line of being a “good girl”, especially if that does not fit with the (secret) desires one has. But being disobedient to these strict societal expectations comes with the great risk of being shamed and perceived as worthless – since most women learn early on that their sexual decisions determine their worth as a woman in this world.
Friends of mine often tell me of situations in which they are slut-shamed and objectified. They are assumed to be willing to have sex only because they are in an open relationship – a relationship in which there is a mutual agreement to be intimate with other people. Being friendly towards a man is immediately understood as being flirty and open to going on a date – if that does not happen many women are immediately classified as a whore.
I am also one of the many women who sadly have experienced slut-shaming on multiple occasions. In high school, my closest friend group judged me for kissing someone at a party and for having had sex already – I was 17 and in love; I wanted to experience that, so why would I not? During a breakup, my ex called me a slut even though I had finally trusted someone enough to share my fears and insecurities in this regard.
While these examples might seem minor and not as heavy as other experiences one might have read about on the internet, that does not make the consequences less severe. Do I seriously need to feel lucky that I never received an unwanted dick pic? Or should I be happy that I never experienced blackmailing because of a (fake) nude of mine? Bullying, abuse, and intimidation are happening on so many levels and not only the heaviest cases, such as revenge porn, need to be taken seriously. Hearing harmful words by anyone, especially by the people one trusts, hurts and affects one’s life in the long-term.
Because of these words and actions by loved ones and the societal pressure to conform to the rules, I still feel ashamed to talk about my body count – a topic that should not be of importance, but sadly still is. None of the people close to me truly know how many people I slept with. Whenever I am asked about it I tell parts of the truth or just avoid talking about certain experiences. I am more cautious with the sexual decisions I make nowadays and am still ashamed of so many I experienced in the past.
But the most harmful consequence of slut-shaming in my life is the connection to victim-blaming. It is difficult to believe that it was not my fault to have experienced severe cases of sexual assault. It did not happen because I dressed a certain way, was too flirty, or did not set my boundaries enough. But having experienced slut-shaming and victim-blaming, it takes energy and counseling to get rid of the negative spirals embedded in my own thoughts.
Slut-shaming affects not only me but probably all women who are non-conforming to certain societal standards. It is a form of intimidation and dehumanization as Martha Mosse claims in her TEDxTalk of 2014. It takes away the power of sexual liberty from girls and women and leads to a reinforcement of gender stereotypes. But, most importantly, it reinforces rape culture in which victims are being blamed and doubted after having been sexually assaulted.
It is impossible to work for equality between all genders without including the debate around sexual liberty. The difference between the consequences of sexual decisions for women and men is alarming and needs to change.
I am afraid of certain decisions I have made in the past affecting my life and my reputation negatively in the future. I am even anxious about the response and feedback I will receive for publishing this article. I hope at some point I can be proud of my experiences and live my sexuality freely without fear of backlash.
I want to live in a world in which every individual is allowed to be sexually liberated, make their own decisions, and sleep with whomever they want, without fearing any negative consequences.
Goblet, Margot and Fabienne Glowacz. 2021. “Slut Shaming in Adolescence: A Violence against Girls and Its Impact on Their Health.” National Library of Medicine 18, no. 12: 6657. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8296320/.
Mosse, Martha. 2014. “The slut, the spinster and the perfect woman: Martha Mosse as TEDxCoventGardenWomen.” Youtube, January 18, 2014. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H7Gn2a0GnAc.
Cover image by Ehimetalor Akhere Unuabona
Raffia 
Well said!
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